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Do you...
...feel tired of people thinking you're "on the right track."
...occasionally ask yourself "Dear God What Am I Doing With My Life?!"
...wonder when that fucking owl is Finally going to drop off your acceptance letter?
...ever wake up covered in blood but realize you have no wounds?
...imagine you're on a safari about to be mauled to death by tigers while you're at your job because you hate what you do?

Then Maybe Homelessness is Right For You!

Here's my personal guide and experiences of 1st timey homeylessness in the state of Maine.

Preparation

Got rid of all my stuff.

Began living in my car, effectively voiding ALL monthly expenses besides car payments and car insurance.

Rent, internet, cable, electricity, water- I didn't pay none of that bullshit.

Instantly became rich.

Thought, "where should I go for the winter? DEFINITELY THE BORDER OF CANADA."

Built schweet rig with mad insulation, bed, easily accessible storage, and a cute little bookshelf ^_^

Bought a 20 degree sleeping bag and a camera.

Traded in my glitchy smartphone for a water and shock proof flip phone because I'M SMART AS HELL.

Realized I'm dumb as hell and bought a GPS.

And BINGO BaZOOkA we are Ready To Go!

Stereotypes are Real, but Wrong!

Just because you're homeless, doesn't mean you have to be smelly, unhealthy, or disgusting!

If you walk into an establishment smelling like fire and B.O., covered in dirt, wearing raggy clothing, and ask for a job, you're probably Not going to be hired.

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I only buy and wear clean, fine, fabulous clothing.

I match my subtle, jaw dropping jewelry with each day's outfits.

I work out every morning, then shower at my gym.

Do my laundry regularly and never wear anything twice without washing it.

Eat healthy food because it makes me glow like a Saint.

I'm breaking more necks than ever now that I'm homeless.

I even went so far as to buy lip gloss. Oh, I did.

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I believe the key is to start your homeless adventure while you still have a job. The money saving is So Instant. Use that money to invest in nice clothing, get a gym membership, and trick out your car for maximum comfort - then you've got all the tools you need to be homeless and still get a job elsewhere while coming across as a member of high, fine society.

Which is something I guess I just personally love and enjoy... If you prefer to be smelly and raggy, do you boo.

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Be A Ninja

It's one thing to keep your homelessness a secret from the general community, but a whole different ballgame when you're trying to sleep at night in your vehicle, and cars are rolling past and pulling up next to you. That 4AM drug deal going down in Your sleeping pull-off is not something you ever wanted to be a part of. Your crime witnesses are also something that said drug dealers (potential MURDERERS) don't need to know about. Aside from skeemy deev-heads, you also don't want cops or park rangers to find you in your car. They will make you move, and then ruin your sweet sleeping spot for your future self and other hapless vagabonds who may need to spend a night there (last night two dudes from Louisiana slept in a vehicle next to mine).

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So pee, brush your teeth, and wash your hands at any gas station before heading "home." After you park, turn off your lights and car immediately and don't get out. 

I bought some dope-azz insulation that looks like metallic bubble wrap. I painted it black with acrylic paint and cut it to the shape of my windows and it fits in each window like a magic charm. I tried to get it to grant me a wish; that insulation is so magical - I'll update later on it's other realm capabilities - But it keeps light from shining through, so I can sleep without street or head lights bothering me and if I need to turn on my flashlight for something, which I always, always do, it makes me feel safer because less light is escaping my car, drawing attention to the fact that there's somebody in it. And I can roll up each bubble wrap insulation piece in the morning. So easy. So warm. So safe. So sexy.

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